


Aftermath

by geethr75



Series: Steve Centric Infinity War fics [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018) Spoilers, Avengers 4 speculation, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Black Panther (2018) Spoilers, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Doctor Strange (2016) Spoilers, Gen, Guardians of the Galaxy spoilers, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Spider-Man: Homecoming Spoilers, Steve Rogers-centric, They are trying, Thor: Ragnarok (2017) Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-07-25 11:51:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16196975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geethr75/pseuds/geethr75
Summary: In the aftermath of the snap, the avengers make plans





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This started off as an one shot about Steve's reactions and feelings after the snap, but somehow it grew and became something else.

"Oh God!" Steve sinks down on the ground beside Vision's body, numb and stunned. He still cannot fully grasp everything that has happened. From the moment Bucky had called his name and had turned to dust, he has been feeling as if he was in a nightmare.

Except, it is one from which he cannot wake.

"This can't be real," he whispers, but as he raises his head and sees the shock and despair in the eyes of the others, he knows that it is all too real. Almost automatically he takes stock of who is there, and who is not: Thor, Bruce, Natasha, Rhodey, Okoye, and the talking Raccoon that came with Thor. No Sam or T'Challa or the strange tree like creature that had introduced itself as "I am Groot,". 

Steve looks at Vision, and his brain registers that Wanda isn't there either. He wants to touch Vision, but he is afraid that he will turn to ash too. Vision lies there, everything about him grey, even the normally vibrant cape. Steve tries not to look at the hole in his forehead where the mind gem once was. It looks as if Thanos had ripped it off. There are wires and circuits hanging out, and Steve wonders if Bruce or Shuri will be able to reconnect them somehow, and bring Vision back. He wonders if Tony... He stops there. He isn't ready to think of Tony yet.

"Steve," Nat touches his shoulder. "I'm sorry about Bucky,"

Steve doesn't answer, is afraid to open his mouth because he's pretty sure he'll break down if he says anything. He doesn't want to think of Bucky, of how he had said Steve's name and yet, all Steve could do was to stand and watch as Bucky had crumbled to dust. Steve wishes he could scream, but he cannot. He’s lived with losing Bucky, for failing to protect him once before, but he doesn’t know if he can do it again. All he knows is he can’t afford to sit here, and do nothing.

He pushes himself to his feet. He needs to check if his team—or what us left of it—is okay. T'Challa is gone, and the Wakandans will be needing all the help they can get. He wonders who is going to be the next ruler. Will Shuri be the Queen, or does the Wakandan crown pass to males only? He doesn't know anything about it. All he knows is that he has to be doing something, anything, so he doesn’t have to think, doesn’t need to hear Bucky calling his name, doesn’t need to watch as he crumbles into ash, doesn’t need to see Vision, lifeless and grey and that hole in his head...if he thinks...if he thinks of what happened, he's going to shatter, he’ll break into so many pieces, that no one—least of all, he—will be able to put him back together, and he cannot, not when there are people who still need him, not when there are people who somehow still depend on him. 

He still wishes he could. He wishes that he had turned to ash too.

The next few days are a blur as Steve assists the Wakandans in whatever way he can. By the end of the week, they know that half the population of the country is gone. Details are still trickling in from around the world, but by this time, they all know what to expect. Steve thinks of Sam's family, back home, and Clint and his family, and Scott and his family, and they have no way of knowing if any of them survived. The disappearances have been completely random, with no discernible pattern to it. 

Steve's nights are full of nightmares of swirling ash, and he finds himself standing alone as one by one everyone turns to dust around him. He wakes up, mouth open in a silent scream, tracks of tears on his face, and he sits up, gulping in air and shaking, as he tries to control his panic and tries not to think, not to fall apart. He's still needed, he tells himself. He has to believe that, or he’ll start wondering about the cosmic joke that made him survive once again while taking everything away from him, yet again. When he went in the ice, he’d expected to die, knowing that he was losing everyone and everything, and then he woke up in a new century, a new era, and everything and everyone he knew were already lost, but he was still here. Steve knows that everyone calls him the man out of time, and he knows that they’re right. The time he belonged to is past, and he’s a relic, a fossil, and then he found the avengers, he found some purpose, but he could never fit in, no matter how much he may have wanted to. He was lost, so lost, and he didn’t even know who he was anymore. 

He thinks that perhaps that is why he fought so hard for Bucky, because he was someone familiar, a piece of his past, and Steve had thought that if he could cling to that, perhaps he won’t feel so lost, that he’ll recognize himself.

Instead, he’d made everything worse.

During the past two years, Steve had a lot of time in his hands, and he often asked himself if he regretted any of it. He tells himself no, because how can he regret saving Bucky, of giving him a chance, and then in the night, he again sees the shield smash down into Tony’s face or his neck, and he can hear himself screaming, but he can’t stop, and he wakes up, panting, drenched in sweat, with tears coursing down his cheeks and quiet whimpers dying in his throat, and he asks himself again if it has been worth it.

He lost Tony, because he wanted to save Bucky, and now he’s lost them both, all over again. Except… except he’d lost Tony that day in Siberia, and he has never even properly apologized because he’s never very good with words, and he cannot say what he wants to, he makes everything worse, and Tony…Tony is Tony, and Steve can never understand him, and he wants to, so badly, and he’d thought that he was protecting Tony from further hurt when he kept the truth about his parents from him—after all, Tony’s moved on from that, he’s at peace, why dredge it all up now?—and he’d thought he’d protect them both, Tony and Bucky, not realizing that by not telling Tony the truth, he’d already made the choice, that he’d already lost Tony.

If he has a chance of doing it again, Steve will tell Tony the truth. 

He thinks back to Siberia, and he tells himself there was nothing he could have done, but he knows that’s a lie. He should have…. He should have pulled that damn cowl off his head, and caught Tony by the shoulder and apologized to him then and there, told him he was trying to protect them both, he should have….

But he didn’t do anything, not even realizing how broken Tony was, or how it should never have been a choice between Tony and Bucky or between anyone and Bucky really, because if he’d only trusted Tony as he had wanted to, if he hadn’t listened to Sam…

Steve doesn’t know why he thinks of all this now, or what good it will do, and Sam… Sam is gone too, and he has no call to blame him, only himself, because Sam didn’t know Tony; Steve did, and he should have trusted his own instincts, except he has always been afraid of doing what his heart said when it came to Tony, because Tony turned his brain to mush, and so Steve has always been afraid his judgement was skewed when it comes to Tony, and so he listened to others, Wanda, Sam, Clint, Scott, anyone other than his own judgement and instinct.

Except that he forgot that none of them knows Tony, not as he does, and… and he knows now how much he messed up, and it had taken Sam to make him see that, after Siberia, after one particularly bad nightmare when Steve couldn’t sleep, so he’d gone out for a run—no punching bags, anymore, but a run would tire him out, he hoped—and when he came back, just after sunrise, Sam had been there, with a cup of coffee, and they had sat down on the steps of the house they were staying in, and Steve had told Sam about what had happened in Siberia. He’s never told anyone else—not that they had asked, but it was too painful to talk about, and he had all but convinced himself he’d not had a choice—and Sam had looked at him square in the eyes and said, “Cap, you’re making me sorry I ever thought you a good man.”

But Sam did not give up on him, he made Steve talk, and Steve told him things that he’d never told anyone, and Sam… Sam made him see that he didn’t have to carry it all, that he can ask for help, and also how wrong he was, and that they both owed Tony an apology.

“I judged him without knowing him,” Sam said, “That’s on me, and when you asked for advice, I gave you bad advice, that’s on me too. I sent Stark to you without back up. That’s also on me. If I hadn’t, perhaps things wouldn’t have turned so bad.”

Sam had stayed, even when Scott and Clint had taken the deal offered, and accepted house arrest so they can be with their families, Sam had stayed at his side, refusing the deal, as if he didn’t have anyone to go back to. 

And now Sam is gone, and Steve only has what Sam gave him, memories of an unselfish and unconditional friendship, of long hours of listening, of making him see how wrong he was, and Steve knows there’s no chance he could have realized it himself, in spite of the nightmares, and he can blame it on the serum—good becomes great, bad becomes worse, and Steve was already self righteous, and as stubborn as a pig before the serum—but he knows that it is on him.

That perhaps is the most important thing Sam did for him, making him accept that he made a mistake, that he has to shoulder the blame. Sam made him see that for all his spiel about hating bullies, he had turned himself into one, the biggest bully in the play field that no one can take on, and Steve thinks of Erskine, and his faith in him, his words, “a weak man knows the value of strength, knows compassion,” and when did Steve forget that lesson, forget compassion, and started looking at everything as black and white? 

Sam had failed in his attempts to make Steve call Tony and apologize. Steve doesn’t know why he wouldn’t call Tony, except may be he does, and he knows that an apology should be in person, not over a phone from the other end of the world (… a world that is suddenly too big for the people that are left, but Steve doesn’t want to think of that…). His mother used to tell him, “You wrong someone, you tell ‘em you’re sorry, and you mean it, and you tell ‘em in person, so they can see in your eyes that you mean it.” And that’s what he means to do, he told Sam, he means to find a way to apologize in person. 

Besides, he isn’t sure Tony would even answer, and if he does, it’ll be because he thinks that maybe Steve’s in trouble, and how is it fair to Tony if Steve breaks down at the other end and begs his forgiveness? Steve has left the door open, but it’s not one he has the courage to enter himself.

And how can he tell Sam that the man he followed is a coward? No matter Sam said with a hand on his shoulder, and face serious. “I forgot you were human too, that you were as liable to make mistakes as the next person; you were a larger than life figure, and I got carried away, but that’s on me, Cap, not on you.” 

Their two years on the run has changed all of them. Steve knows that even Wanda had changed, she may never like Tony, but she had accepted, albeit grudgingly, that perhaps she was wrong about him. Steve had wondered at the change, that whenever Tony’s name came up—none of them ever brought him up, but they did watch the news, and they had seen the news of his selling of Avengers Tower, and of his engagement to Pepper—Wanda was not vitriolic, that she spoke his name without dislike, a neutral tone, which was surprising, considering she once held him responsible for her parents’ death. Steve thinks that maybe it was all Vision, Jarvis was part of him after all, and he might have been the one to make Wanda see that perhaps Tony isn’t who she thought.

Steve wonders why he still thinks of Tony in the present tense. Even Rhodey—Col. Rhodey—has given up hope that Tony will come back, though Steve sees him and Bruce look up at the sky every so often, a furtive gaze upwards, and then back to the earth, with a sigh. 

Steve throws the sheets aside, as he climbs out of the bed and strolls to the window. Wakanda looks so deceptively peaceful in the moonlight for a country that had lost its King and half its population just three days ago. There’s someone on the lawn, and Steve stills as he recognizes Thor. Rocket is standing by his side, and Steve is about to call out to them, when he hears Rocket ask,

“Are you sure?”

“I’m not sure of anything, rabbit,” Thor says, turning Stormbreaker in his hands. “But there’s only one way to find out.”

He holds his axe up, his other hand gripping Rocket by the scruff of his neck, and there’s the familiar rainbow coloured light—the bifrost, a part of Steve says—and both Thor and Rocket are gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is becoming longer than I expected! Lol

Rhodey greets Steve with a bright smile when he enters the hall where the Avengers—Steve wonders if they are still that, they sure haven’t avenged anything in a while—have their meals. He doesn’t look as if he’s getting much sleep. There are bags under his eyes, and he keeps yawning. Steve pours himself a cup of coffee, and puts some toast on a plate. He knows he has to eat, even though he doesn’t feel like it, but the gnaw of hunger is a good reminder, and toast is all he thinks he can keep down right now. 

“Bad night?” he asks Rhodey.

He nods. “I was up all night, trying to get any information from back home, you know.” He paused. “Both Fury and Hill are gone, and I couldn’t get through to Pepper or Happy.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve says, even though his mind is in a whirl because he doesn’t know what to think of it all. He’s met Pepper a few times, and Happy never, but Fury and Hill… Steve really doesn’t know what he should feel about it. Hill has been a colleague of sorts for a while, and Fury… Fury did bring them together, had trusted Steve when Hydra infiltrated SHIELD and had helped them during the fight with Ultron. He was the closest thing Steve had to a Commander in these times, and Steve feels that he should probably feel sad.

“I couldn’t get through to Helen Cho either,” Rhodey says. “Bruce wanted me to check if she was all right.” He eats some toast and says. “It doesn’t mean they’re gone, you know. Communications are shot all over the globe. Thanos’ army… they destroyed a few satellites on their way in, and there are also network problems everywhere. It’s just a very confusing time, and no one knows if a call not connecting means the other person is… gone or maybe it is just the network acting up. Power grids too have been down in quite a few places.”

“We should be there,” Steve says. “We should be helping.”

“Probably,” Rhodey agrees. “But you’re still war criminals back home, and I… I guess I’m one too, now.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve says again. How many people has he dragged down with him? How many more will he? 

“Look Captain,” Rhodey says. “This isn’t your fault. It was my call, and I still believe that it was the right one. If there was a chance of beating Thanos, of keeping Vision safe, then we all had to work together.”

Together. That words sounds like a mockery of his cocksure words to Tony once. 

“We’ll lose,” Tony had said.

“Then we’ll do that together too.”

Steve doesn’t know whether to laugh hysterically or to cry hysterically because they did lose, and he supposes it can be said that they did it together too, and all it did was to wreck them in ways nothing ever had. It destroyed, not the team, but each of them, shattered them into shards that cannot be put together, left them with the taste of defeat in their mouths, and the ashes of everyone they lost clinging to them. 

Had he truly believed that losing was okay, as long as they were together, a team?

“Captain,” Rhodey says, concern in his gaze. “You shouldn’t beat yourself up over this. That guy was way too powerful. We all tried our best.”

Steve nods, feeling grateful, but also confused. He doesn’t understand why Rhodey is being so nice to him, so friendly, as if the accords had never happened, as if Siberia never happened. If someone had done to Bucky what he did to Tony, he’s almost sure he would have ripped their heart out. He had been surprised at how friendly Rhodey was when they met in the avengers compound too. He hadn’t expected a Ross-like outburst, but he had expected coldness, and some anger. Yet, here Rhodey is, sitting across the table from him, looking at him in genuine concern, trying to make him feel better, as if Steve wasn’t the one to tear the avengers apart, as if he hadn’t attacked Rhodey’ best friend and hadn’t hit him with his shield over and over again.

Steve suddenly feels like someone has doused him with cold water. He stares at Rhodey, wondering… Didn’t he know? Didn’t Tony tell him? With Tony, it is a definite possibility. He hadn’t told anyone when he was dying of Palladium poisoning either, sharing his problems isn’t a habit with Tony, so… what if he never told Rhodey? Or Pepper? Or anyone? 

Steve can hardly look at Rhodey in the eye. He doesn’t deserve that Tony’s best friend should be friendly towards him, or should treat him like a friend. But he also doesn’t want to antagonize Rhodey. He clears his throat.

“Rhodey, what has Tony told you about what happened after- after the fight in Germany?”

Rhodey frowns slightly. “Nothing much. I was in the hospital for a couple of days, and he was there when I was discharged. He never said anything, and well, I knew you hadn’t been apprehended, so I assumed he’d decided to let you go. Why?” his gaze suddenly sharpened. “Are you saying something happened?”

Steve squirms as he opens his mouth to tell Rhodey the truth when Nat and Bruce walks in. There is still some awkwardness there, that they had both lost during the fight, but it was back. They don’t look at each other, and gravitate to opposite sides of the table with Bruce sitting next to Rhodey and Natasha coming over to Steve. There is silence for a while and Steve says,

“Does anyone know where Thor has gone?”

Bruce’s head snaps up so fast Steve is surprised he doesn’t crick his neck. “Gone? Thor is gone?”

“I saw him last night, out there,” Steve waves his hand towards the windows. “He and Rocket. I think he summoned the bifrost with his axe.”

“Shuri’s going to flip out at the state of her lawn,” Bruce says, trying to inject some humour there, but though Steve and Nat attempt a smile, Steve can see from Bruce’s expression that it hasn’t worked.

“Thor didn’t say anything,” Nat shrugs. “He was… keeping to himself. He blames himself, you know. He had a chance, and he feels like he has messed it up.”

“Thanos taunted him,” Bruce says, “Just before the snap. He told him he should have gone for the head.”

Steve says nothing; he lowers his head, and wishes that he had noticed that Thor was not himself. None of them were, and Steve had put it down to the effects of the snap, never thinking that Thor might blame himself. Steve wishes he could have told Thor that it wasn’t his fault, that he did all he could, all of them did, it wasn’t his fault that Thanos could take an axe to the chest and still live to snap his fingers and escape. 

And now Thor’s gone, and none of them know where he is or if he is coming back. Steve remembers Bruce telling them about Thanos’ attack on the Asgardian ship. Of all of them, Thor has lost more at the hands of Thanos. All that’s left of his people stranded in space, probably dead by now, and all Thor had was his desire for revenge, and now Thanos has won, and Thor would be feeling like he’d failed, failed to protect his people, failed to avenge them, and Steve ought to have seen that, he was their leader, and it’s pretty much how he—and most of the others—feels right now, so he should have noticed it, should have comforted Thor.

No wonder Thor left in the middle of the night with only Rocket, because if anyone can understand his pain, it must be Rocket who also lost everyone he had. Steve doesn’t know Rocket’s history, but he doesn’t think there’s a planet out there full of highly intelligent talking Raccoons—or maybe there is, what does he know anyway—so, Groot was probably all Rocket had.

Steve thinks that they are relatively fortunate, since half of humanity is still there.

“I should have tried to help him,” Steve says, “I never even noticed he was suffering.”

“We’re all suffering, Steve,” Nat says, placing her hand on his arm. “You included. You cannot be responsible for everyone.”

Bruce nods. “Thor is not easy to get a read on anyway, and I guess all of us were- dealing in one way or another. You can’t blame yourself for his leaving. This isn’t his home anyway.”

Rhodey is strangely quiet, watching Steve with a frown, and Steve knows that he is thinking of what Steve said. He also knows that he will have to tell him the truth, and his hands are clammy so he wipes them on his pants. His mind tells him to get it over with, to tell it now, when Bruce and Nat are still here, because they have a right to know; Bruce is perhaps the one amongst the avengers who is closest to Tony, and Nat and Tony has a history too. 

Sam had never pressed him to tell the rest of the team about what happened in Siberia, saying that it was upto Steve, but he had told him to be honest about his motivations for the rift, which Steve had come to realize was less about the accords—after all, Steve had taken the pen in his hand, fully intending to sign, before Tony had told him about Wanda—and more about keeping Bucky safe. And he feels guilt like never before for getting Clint involved, when he was retired, of pitting him against Nat, his best friend, and even of breaking Wanda out of the avengers compound. 

“She’s only a kid,” he’d told Sam.

“Kids get grounded,” Sam had replied. “And I can’t see what Stark did was any worse.”

Steve had never felt more like a fool, because what he did, he was trying to help Wanda, it was not about Bucky, not about the accords, just about getting Wanda out of there.

He had talked to his team, and told them that it really wasn’t about the accords, it was about Bucky and then it became about stopping Zemo, but for him, it was more about Bucky than about anything else.

Steve thinks that perhaps Clint and Scott took the offered deals so quickly was because they were disappointed in him. 

Perhaps it is time he came clean about Siberia as well. 

“You have a visitor,” Okoye’s voice interrupts his thoughts. “Prin-Queen Shuri wanted to know if you were free.”

“We are,” Steve replies with a look at the other who all nod. “Who is it?”

“It’s Mr. Ross,” Okoye says as she leaves. 

Bruce is on his feet, a look of fear on his face. Nat and Steve exchange glances, and even Rhodey looks nervous as they all stare at the door.


	3. Chapter 3

Everett Ross pauses at the door, looks at them, and says, “Good to see that you guys at least made it.”

Relief is the first emotion Steve feels. When Okoye had said Ross’ name, he had been shocked, and betrayed before he remembered that Shuri probably doesn’t know that it is a bad idea to let Ross know they are here. It’s not that Steve trusts Everett Ross, but he’s the better option.

Rhodey rises and moves to shake Ross’ hands. “It’s not you we were expecting,” he says.

“Secretary Ross is gone,” Ross says. “Turned to ash right in the middle of a meeting along with most of the people in that room.”

Steve wishes he could feel sorry, but he feels glad, relieved. At least one good thing came out of this whole Thanos mess.

Bruce sits down, and a sound escapes his throat, to Steve it sounds like a laugh. Ross’ eyes focus on him. “Dr. Banner,” he says. “It’s good to have you back.”

“Why are you here?” Steve asks.

“Officially I’m not here at all,” Ross says, sitting down, and running his hand through his hair. Now that Steve is looking closely, he does look haggard. “Unofficially...” he sighs. “I owe T’Challa and Shuri my life… and when the news came about T’Challa being among the heads of state who had disappeared… I had to come.”

“Among the heads of state?” Nat asks. “You mean other heads of states have also-disappeared?”

Disappeared. Steve wants to smile, as if all of them just up and left, as if they hadn’t turned to ash.

“Too many to count,” Ross says. “Many on live television, in the middle of reassuring their people.” he shrugs. “Most nations have invoked emergencies.” he pauses. “Including the US. It’s best if you stay here for the moment. His eyes swept all four of them. “All of you.”

“I couldn’t contact Pepper or Happy or Dr. Cho,” Rhodey says. “Have you any news of them?”

“Dr. Cho is -gone.” Ross says. “Miss Potts and Mr. Hogan were safe the last I heard. I’m sure they’ll contact you when they can. Communication and power are still not restored completely. The aliens knocked a few satellites out of orbit, and destroyed a few others on their way in. The loss of satellites have hit us hard. It’s not like we can launch one at the drop of a hat.” He gives a wry smile. “I suppose we should be relieved they left the moon intact.”

They all crack polite smiles, though Steve can sense the palpable relief on Rhodey’s face. Bruce is slumped on his chair. Steve is glad to hear that Pepper is safe, but he is also sad about Dr. Cho. She had helped them many times.

“Any news on Clint or Scott?” he asks Ross. He is worried about them. Has been since the snap, though with no way of contacting them, he had let it slide.

“No one has heard from Barton, not since his house arrest ended, and we stopped monitoring him. As for Lang, the last we heard, he was working with the Pyms and their daughter.” 

“The Pyms?” Nat asks, and Steve can tell from her tone that she is asking just to distract herself from the fact that there has been no news of Clint. “I thought Hank Pym’s wife was dead.”

“She wasn’t,” Ross says. “It appears she was lost in the Quantum dimension, and somehow Pym found a way to bring her back.”

“Quantum dimension?” Bruce asks, an almost manic gleam in his eyes. “He has found a way to go to the Quantum dimension?”

“I suppose so,” Ross says. “But there has been no news of them since the-” Ross pauses. “We don’t know where they are, or- if they survived. Lang’s daughter is safe, but his ex-wife is- gone, and the girl is with Mr. Paxton now- her step-father.” he explains at Steve’s blank face.

“So, both Clint and Scott could be -gone?” Steve asks, a weird churning feeling in his gut, and he feels nausea building. 

“It’s possible,” Ross concedes. “The Pyms… whatever they were doing, they kept it top secret, so we have no way of telling. They could just be hiding. Or they could be gone… And as for Barton… as I said, communications are down and we haven’t been able to send someone to the farm to see if they’re … okay. I mean, we haven’t got a full picture yet, figures are still trickling in, so...” he shrugs. “It can go either way, I guess.”

“Scott would have contacted his daughter if he was safe,” Steve says, suddenly feeling hollow. Scott had followed him, had fought for him when he did not even know him. Logically he knows that whatever happened to Scott would have happened even if he’d never dragged him into the fight with Tony, but that is no comfort. He can’t assuage his conscience by saying that Scott had known what he was getting into, that Steve had warned him that it was outside the law, because had Steve been open and willing to talk to Tony, there would have been no need for Scott or Clint to have gotten involved at all.

Speaking of Clint… Steve risks a glance at Nat. She is sitting still, no expression on her face, her hands on the table, clasped together. She seems to sense Steve’s glance and she looks at him, not turning her head, and her eyes are so desolate that it hurts him. He gives her a small smile that he hopes is reassuring, and her eyes move away from him, but there is a slight relaxation to her posture, and Steve counts that as a win.

“So, Thor not here, I see. Still asleep?” Ross asks, his eyes going from one to other.

“He was here,” Steve says. “But he… he left yesterday night.”

“Asgard?” Ross asks, though Steve can tell the man isn’t really interested. He’s just making polite conversation. “Anyone going to tell me what actually happened here?”

Steve knows that he has to be the one. He’s their leader, and it’s up to him, but he doesn’t know if he’s ready for it. He consciously tries to avoid thinking of Bucky, of Sam, of Wanda, of Vision, of T’Challa who had helped them so much though they’d done nothing but bring destruction on his country and his people.

“Shuri might be having the footage,” Nat says, her voice shaking, and she’s looking down as she speaks. “We… we’re not ready to talk of it just yet.”

“I saw the footage,” Ross says. “But there’s no explanation on it as to how people could just randomly turn to ash. I mean, this isn’t the first time we’ve faced an alien invasion, and as people who were in the thick of it both times, surely even you must have noticed that this time we did seem to be winning. Then suddenly poof. And not just here. All over the globe. There has to be a rational explanation for that.”

Bruce, Nat and Rhodey snigger at that. And even Steve can’t help the slight chuckle that escapes him. He remembers being angry with Tony for laughing at inappropriate moments, but he understands now what it feels like. Rational explanation? What is rational about there being someone so powerful that he can snap his fingers and half the life in the Universe should cease to exist? It is funny, in a tragic, ironic, and utterly devastating way. 

“Oh God,” Steve says, as he bends his head and buries it in his hands, his elbows on the table. Steve wonders if there really is a god. He had believed, in spite of everything that happened, that maybe there is a god, but he is not so sure now. If there is, maybe he is a screw-up, just like everyone else. 

He draws a deep breath and lifts his head to look at Ross. “There is an explanation, but you may not consider it rational.”

Ross gives a wry smile. “I’ve seen technology that’s so magical I’ve still difficulty believing in it; I think you’ll find my definition of – rationality is quite broad, Captain.” 

Steve looks at Bruce. “Perhaps you’d like to begin,” he said. “I’m not familiar with how it all began or about those stones.”

Bruce nods, a steely expression on his face, though his eyes still look wide and fearful. There’s no longer panic there, but there is wariness.

“What do you know of the Infinity Stones?” Bruce asks, and Ross leans forward, an expression of avid interest in his eyes.

“Nothing, I guess. What are they?”

“You know the Tesseract?” Bruce probes again.

“Um… a cube?” Ross volunteers. “I know SHIELD had something in their files, but it was all hush-hush and need to know, and I’m not sufficiently high up in the totem pole to know.”

“Okay, well… the infinity stones,” Bruce says, “They… I wish I had Wong here,”

“Wong?” Ross looks curious, but confused as well.

“A wizard,” Bruce explains, and Steve feels the laughter bubbling up inside him again at the utter bewilderment on Ross’ face as well as the seriousness on Bruce’s.

“A what now?” Ross asks.

“A wizard,” Bruce says. “You know, they use magic, though they call it the mystic arts, and I think they call themselves sorcerers. Wong was the one who explained about the stones to Tony… anyway, these stones… they are six stones controlling the six aspects of existence like Power, Space, Time, Mind, Soul and Reality. And, this guy called Thanos... he was after these stones. He...” Bruce stops, falters, and looks at Steve, almost pleadingly.

“Thanos is a powerful alien,” Steve says. “And he has been going from planet to planet, galaxy to galaxy, using his army to wipe out half the life in each planet, his own twisted concept of balance.” Steve’s voice is so steady, he feels almost proud of himself. “He realized that if he had all six stones, he could destroy half the life in the universe by just snapping his fingers. So, he came to earth, for the two stones he knew were here. We assume that he already got the other four.”

“We had two such powerful stones here? On earth?” Ross is incredulous.

“Yes,” Steve says. “It appears that the Tesseract that SHIELD had was one as well, but it was taken off planet by Thor, or we would have had three.”

“He got the time stone in New York,” Bruce says. “His people kidnapped Dr. Strange, the wizard-”

“Whoa, whoa, hold up just a minute,” Ross rubs his eyes with his fingers. “Dr. Strange? Dr. Stephen Strange? The neurosurgeon who lost his hands in that accident?”

The name Stephen Strange sounds familiar to Steve, but he cannot recall where he has heard it.

“He… he had both hands when I saw him,” Bruce says cautiously. “But yea, the name is Stephen Strange. He was a neurosurgeon?” Bruce sounds surprised, and it comes back to Steve. Sitwell had mentioned that name when he spoke of Zola's algorithm identifying threats, both present and future.

“Yea, one of the best, if not The Best,” Ross says. “He was in a bad accident a couple of years back, and had some problems with his hands, shaking or something. He bankrupted himself trying to fix them, and then he disappeared. He’s a wizard now?”

“Sorcerer,” Bruce says. “Sorcerer Supreme I think."

And Steve is surprised. Zola's algorithm had picked out Strange as a threat when he was still a neurosurgeon. Fleetingly he wonders how much good Zola could have accomplished with a mind like his, but instead he had chosen to be Hydra, to destroy rather than preserve, to cause hurt rather than heal.

"Anyway," Bruce is continuing."Strange had the time stone, and Thanos' people took him, and Tony went after them.” He pauses. “Thanos had the time stone when he came to Wakanda.”

Steve feels like the bottom has dropped out of his stomach. He knew all this, but when Bruce says it like that… he knows that there’s no point in waiting any longer, in hoping against all hope that Tony may come back. 

Rhodey makes a noise, deep in his throat, almost a whimper, and Ross glances at him. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I know Stark was your friend.”

“I wasn’t...” Rhodey clears his throat. “I wasn’t really expecting him to come back.” 

But Steve can see that he was, just like all of them were, even Bruce. Rhodey is pale and the bags under his eyes appear prominent by contrast, and Steve has a feeling that he is hanging by a thread. 

“So, anyway,” Steve hurries on with the tale, not wanting silence to fall, he just wants to fill it up with words, and sounds because the silence reminds him of the ice, and the cold and it feels like death. “Thanos came here after the stone in Vision’s head, and we tried to stop him,” he pauses. “We failed,” he says baldly.

“So Vision is gone too,” Ross says. “And Thanos has the stones.”

“He snapped his fingers,” Steve whispers, forcing the words out. “That is why… the people turning into ash…”

Ross looks aghast, his eyes wide, face pale and hands clenching tightly on the table. “You mean,” he starts, then shakes his head. “Oh my god! You can’t mean- God! Half the life in the planet? He killed half of humanity?”

“Not just humanity,” Nat says, her voice still not quite steady. Steve has never seen her this affected since Fury faked his death. “He killed half the Universe if we’re to believe what we heard about him.”

Ross turns a shade of green that the Hulk will envy, and he raises a hand to cover his mouth. He blinks rapidly, looking from one of them to the other. “So… we lost, and now half of all life on every planet is gone.” He looks at them. “You- Is there no way to reverse it? To bring everyone back?”

Bruce shakes his head. “Not really. It needs all six stones and the infinity gauntlet, which none of us will be able to wield anyway; perhaps Thor might be able to, but no human would be, and besides, getting the stones from Thanos is -well, if we knew how, we would have beaten him, and none of this would have been necessary.”

“The gauntlet is toast anyway,” Steve says. “Thor… he was there when Thanos snapped his fingers, and he says that it was all broken and charred, so even if somehow we get the stones, we have no way of using them.”

Ross covers his face with his hands and his shoulders slump. “You could have called for back up,” he says after a moment. He raises his head and looks at them. “For something this big, this important, do you think the nations of earth would have held on to grudges? You could have asked for help. You didn’t… I mean we could have protected.. I don’t know.. we could have done something…but you should have told us...”

“Secretary Ross asked the Colonel here to arrest us the moment he saw us,” Steve says, his voice hard. He is angry at Ross’ words. How dare he imply that they lost because of pride or arrogance? If they had thought it would do any good, they would have taken help from anybody. But there had been no one. “His exact words to us were, ‘The world is on fire, and you think all is forgiven?’ That didn’t make us feel too confident about calling for back up.”

“He was an ass,” Ross says. “But you could have contacted someone else, Fury or heck, even the president.”

“There wasn’t really time,” Bruce snaps at him. “Once the Secretary of State made his attitude clear, none of us felt like sticking around to be arrested, and we had to protect Vision.”

“I’m sorry,” Ross muttered. “I’m not blaming you… just… Oh god what a clusterfuck!”

Steve is strongly tempted to say “Language!” but he suppresses the impulse, the near smile the memory brings. What the hell is wrong with him that he feels like smiling at a time like this?

“So what are you going to do now?” Ross asks. 

Steve looks at his team, and he can see that they are as clueless as he is. He doesn’t know what to do. They can’t reverse whatever it was Thanos did, and they cannot go home, and staying permanently in Wakanda is not an option either. 

“I don’t know,” he says, and he bends his head, looking at his hands that are now clasped on his lap. “I don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg! Over 300 people are reading this! Thank you for all the love.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two more chapters to go! Thank you all for the love! Never expected I would be getting so many reads so quickly!! Thank you!!!

Two weeks after the snap, the Wakandans hold a very public memorial for all those who fell in the battle against Thanos. It is attended by representatives from many countries, so Steve and his team are forced to stay away from it. It’s just as well, Steve thinks. He wouldn’t have known what to do or say anyway; none of them does. Since the day Ross came, they hadn’t been able to have any time to themselves. Despite Bruce’s words that what Thanos did can’t be reversed and Steve saying he had no idea what to do, Ross kept after them, asking them about making plans—how about a spaceship? And an army? Could they beat Thanos? Till Bruce points out that no technology they have at the moment can get to wherever Thanos is in less than a few centuries at least—and though irritated, Steve can’t bring himself to snap at the man. He understands the feeling himself, because he lies awake at night trying to make plans and wondering if they can find a way to reverse the snap.

It certainly beats nightmares of people disintegrating while he watches, helpless and unable to move.

Ross is attending the ceremony, and it's a relief to be by themselves after days of him dogging their every step. Steve is hesitant to enter the living room. He can hear the sounds of the TV which means that someone is inside, and he is conscious of the fact that he has something to tell them. The time that has elapsed since the morning that Ross arrived has not changed his mind. He still knows he needs to tell them, but there’s a part of him that’s asking if he should—what if it creates a further rift? It’s all in the past, and it’s not like they’re going to find out—but he silences that part ruthlessly. He had listened to it once, because it was easier, because he has been a coward, but Steve has never been someone to take the easy path, the path of least resistance, and he has never been a coward.

Except when he did, and he was, and he has nothing but regrets to this day.

He steels himself and enters the room, and the others are there, Nat and Bruce on the couch, sitting next to one another, but not too close, and Rhodey is in an armchair, and they’re all watching the memorial service on TV. There’s a love seat in one corner and Steve takes it. It is a live transmission and Shuri looks pale but composed as she addresses the crowd in her native language and speaks about her brother in English for the benefit of the visiting dignitaries. Okoye stands behind her, still and almost unobtrusive, but alert all the same. Ross is sitting among the visitors, and he looks just as bad as Steve feels.

Once Shuri is finished, Queen Ramonda steps to the podium, to speak. She is also composed as she thanks the assembled people and exhorts them to remember their fallen warriors, their heroes who had held at bay an alien army and tried to protect the earth. 

No one mentions the avengers.

There is polite applause from the dignitaries as Queen Ramonda finishes her speech. Natasha turns off the TV just as M’Baku moves to the podium.

“It’s a hard time for all of them,” Rhodey says. He looks at Steve. “What are our plans, Captain? We can’t stay here forever.”

“I know,” Steve sighs. “But I need to tell you all something first.”

“Is this about Siberia?” Nat asks, and why is Steve not surprised. “About what really happened there?”

Steve nods. 

“What happened in Siberia?” Rhodey asks. Bruce just looks confused. 

“Siberia was where we were going,” Steve says. “Me and Bucky. Where those super soldiers were.”

“Super soldiers?” Bruce asks at the same time as Rhodey asks. “You mean there actually were super soldiers?”

Steve looks at Bruce. “A few things happened while you were gone, Bruce.”

“Tony told me that he and you fell out hard, that the avengers broke up,” Bruce says. “I would appreciate some details.”

“Why not?” Rhodey says. “It’s not like we don’t have time.”

Bruce keeps interrupting as Rhodey and Nat tell him about Lagos, and the accords, the bombing at the UN and Steve tells him about Bucky and Bucharest and then Nat takes over and talks about the fight at the airport in Germany. Steve takes it from there, tells them about Siberia, how the soldiers were dead when they reached, about the video that Zemo had played, about Tony’s parents.

“You mean Barnes killed Tony’s parents?” Rhodey interrupts him. “And you knew?”

“I didn’t know it was him!” Steve says. “I… I suspected... I mean it was a reasonable inference, but I didn’t know! Not for certain,"

“But you knew they were killed,” Bruce says. “You knew they didn’t die in an accident.”

Steve covers his face with his hands. He finds he cannot look them in the face. “Yes,” he whispers. "Zola... That Hydra program...it told us that accidents were arranged and showed us Howard's picture...I thought... I thought they did something to the car! I had no idea..." He trails off, his voice almost a plea. He was feeling bitter. Why does no one understand? Why do they think that he held back the truth just to protect Bucky? He hadn't even known it was Bucky though he did suspect, but suspicion was not proof, and he hadn't wanted to hurt Tony unnecessarily. 

Till everything backfired so spectacularly. 

“But you didn’t tell Tony,” Rhodey says, his voice too quite, and too flat. "You knew Hydra had arranged the death of his parents, and you didn't tell him,"

Steve shakes his head, dropping his hands, but he doesn’t raise his head, nor does he try to defend himself. He doesn't think it will do any good.

“Then what happened?” Nat asks, and somehow Steve is relieved. He clears his throat and tells them about the fight, about Tony refusing to listen to him when he said Bucky was mind controlled by Hydra, about how he had tried to stop Tony by destroying one of the thrusters and about how Tony had shot Bucky’s metal arm off, and about the fight. It surprises Steve how well he remembers it. There is a heavy silence in the room when he finishes and Steve is afraid to raise his head, to look at them. He looks at the floor, and wonders dully what will happen.

“When Tony said that he and you weren’t talking,” Bruce says. “I told him that it didn’t matter, because Thanos was coming, and nothing else mattered. I wish… in view of everything that happened, I wish I could say the same now… but… we’re no longer facing the end of the world, it’s already come and gone, and… it matters. God! It matters! And yet, Tony… He nearly called you, he would have if that spaceship hadn’t come… and Oh God! How could you just leave him there?”

“How did he get back?” Nat asks, and Steve knows she is not addressing him. “His suit was disabled, the arc reactor was damaged, how did he get back from Siberia?”

“I don’t know,” Rhodey whispers. “He never told me anything. He was there when I… after my surgery when I was ready to be discharged, and yea, I saw the bruises and wounds on his face, but I assumed it was from the fight in Germany… I never knew… God! I’m gonna kill that bastard! Why the hell didn’t he tell me?”

“Sharing isn’t really his thing, is it?” Nat asks. “When he was dying from palladium poisoning, he never told anyone. So…”

“You’d broken your back,” Bruce interrupts. “You were in a bad place yourself. Tony wasn’t going to add to that.”

“Captain,” Rhodey says and Steve looks up, and the expression on Rhodey’ face is frightening. “Tony is my best friend, my brother. I’m not going to forgive you for this. If we didn’t have bigger concerns here, I would-” he pauses. “You’re lucky we do have bigger concerns here.”

“I was just trying to protect Bucky,” Steve says, his voice almost pleading.

“By attacking Tony,” Rhodey says. “God! I… I was glad to see you… I shook hands with you… and you… I asked Tony about the shield, it was in his workshop, and he just shrugged and said it was too conspicuous.”

“He would have killed Bucky,” is all Steve can say, though he knows how lame that sounds.

“If he wanted to kill Barnes, he would be dead,” Nat says. “Have you any idea about the kind of firepower that suit has?”

Steve knows, logically he thinks he knew in Siberia too; after all Tony had held his own against two super soldiers, knocking one out and nearly the other too, but… Tony had never directed lethal force against Bucky or him. Even when he shot Bucky’s arm off, it had been an act of defence because Bucky was clawing at his chest, at the arc reactor...

“I know!” Steve jumps up from where he is sitting. “I know all right? I know I messed up! I know I shouldn’t have kept the truth from Tony, I know I should have gone to him when Bucky told us about the super soldiers, I know I should have tried to talk to him, reason with him, I should have realized...” he stops as he falls on to his knees. “But I didn’t… and I can’t go back and change things, no matter how much I want to… and now he’s gone and...” Steve brushes his hand across his eyes and blinks to clear them, because his vision is suddenly blurry.

“Steve,” Nat approaches him, places a hand on his shoulder. “So, you did something wrong, but you had time to apologize to him. You sent him that phone. Why didn’t you call him?”

“I didn’t want… I wanted...” Steve draws a deep breath. “I wanted to tell him in person, and… I wasn’t sure he would answer… and… I didn’t want to... pressurize him, you know… I thought…” he trails off because he cannot say what he wants to, he never could, and he is making everything worse, but he doesn’t seem to be able to do anything else.

“I thought you were arrogant before,” Rhodey says as he too stands up. “So, you decided the accords weren’t for you, broke god knows how many international laws just to save your old friend, Barnes, kept the truth about his parents from Tony who was also your friend, then when he found out and he lost it, you and your pal beat him half to death, before deactivating his suit and left him in a Siberian bunker in the middle of nowhere with no way to get home, and then you sent him a phone so he can call you, but you never bothered to call him and apologize.” Rhodey’ voice is throbbing with anger. “You’re really something else,” and he storms off.

Bruce looks from Steve to the door. “I… I should probably make sure he stays indoors,” he says as he goes to the door, and he stops there and glances at Steve and his eyes are hard. “You’re lucky the Hulk has decided to take a break, you know.”

Nat kneels down by him, once Bruce is gone, her hand still on his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. “But you can’t really blame them, you know.”

“I know,” he breathes. “I know, Nat. I never expected anything else… I’m surprised you’re still here.”

“That’s because I know you, and I can see how much this is killing you.”

“I thought… I thought I’d be able to tell him in person, you know. Tell him how sorry I was, that… that if I ever got to do it again, I will do it differently...”

“I know,” Nat says. “But what do you propose to do now? As idyllic as our current existence is, we cannot impose on Queen Shuri forever.” 

“We’ll discuss with Bruce and Rhodey, and then we’ll leave, stay low, stay in touch,” he says, pushing all discombobulation to the back of his mind. He can make plans, decide what to do. “We’ll request Shuri if she can give us some means to be in touch with one another.” 

“Back to Square One,” Nat says, and she sounds tired. “I’m beginning to regret picking your side at the airport, Steve.” She rises and walks to the window, to stare outside.

Steve tries to smile. “I’m beginning to regret picking my side too, but Nat? I do not- I cannot regret saving Bucky.”

“If you’d told him the truth about his parents when you found out, and had gone to him when you got Barnes out, Stark would have helped you. He would have helped cleared Barnes’ name, got him the help he needed.” She pauses for a moment. “We would have been together to meet the threat of Thanos. And who knows? We might even have won.”

“Do you really believe that?” Steve is anxious. If she does—and Nat is no fool—if there is a possibility that they could have beaten this together… Steve cannot bear to think of that, that he could be responsible for their defeat, if Steve thought that for one moment, then… 

“I don’t know,” Nat admits as she turns to face him again. “But I know Stark, and I think if we were all together, he would have found a way to win. He’s not called a genius for nothing, you know.” she sighs. “He did warn us, you know. At the time of Ultron. He told us this would happen, but...”

Steve doesn’t say anything but cringes as he thinks of the way he’d said “Together.” But Tony had taken him seriously enough, he had found a way to beat Ultron, he had created Vision, he’d been prepared to sacrifice Jarvis… and Steve no longer knows what to think, would they have defeated Thanos if Tony had been with them? Thanos who survived a hit from that axe of Thor’s? Or would Steve have had to watch as Tony crumbled to ash too?

Steve heart speeds up at the thought and his breath stutters. He is almost glad that Tony was not with them. He rises and stretches himself. “We need to find the others,” he says, pushing everything else firmly to the back of his mind. Nat is right. They have to leave.

Nat nods, and Steve feels despair swamping him again. He’s leaving Wakanda, his refuge, the place where he lost Bucky, again, his ash is mixed in the very air here, and the thought makes Steve choke.

Suddenly, he cannot wait to get out of Wakanda.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It looks like it'll need another two chapters. But hopefully, this will be all done soon. Keep the love flowing!

Shuri doesn’t object when they inform her of their decision, but despite their plans, they don’t leave for another two weeks. She gives them each a phone and a credit card, and forces them to accept the cards, almost blackmailing them. Steve wonders if it is a thing with geniuses or it is just because she is royalty and used to having her own way. Ross manages to wrangle a pardon for Rhodey, citing his exemplary military career, and the extenuating circumstance of the imminent alien invasion, and he returns to the US, though he does take Shuri's phone with him. In spite of it, Steve doesn’t think that they will hear from him again. Bruce wants to return to India, and Nat offers to go with him. Steve doesn’t object, and Bruce is happy to accept. Since the Hulk is still sulking, he feels he wouldn’t be endangering her. Nat and Bruce are rebuilding their relationship, slowly, and Steve is happy for them both.

“It’s just…the thought of him going all the way there, alone… and it’s not like before, if something comes up, he can’t really protect himself.” Nat tells Steve the night before they have to leave. They had decided that it is safer to leave separately. Nat and Bruce will be leaving first, and Steve the day after. 

Steve smiles at her. “You don’t have to justify going with him,” he tells her. “I’m happy for you. For both of you. It’s good that… you two deserve happiness after everything you’ve been through...” he pauses. “Has he ever told you what happened to him the last few years?”

She nods. “Some of it. He was in space, in some planet where he was some sort of a gladiator, and he stayed as the Hulk for three years…till Thor came and Thanos...” 

Thanos. Steve grips the railing of the balcony tightly. Any other place, he would have bent it out of shape or even broken it, but the railing here is made of Vibranium and he doesn’t have to be careful with it. Steve feels anger clench in his gut when he thinks of the titan and what he cost them, but he knows it is pointless being so angry.

“I don’t like the idea of you being alone either,” Nat says. “Why don’t you come with us?”

Steve shakes his head with a smile. “Nah, I’ll only be a third wheel. Besides, I’m used to being alone, and I can take care of myself.”

“I know, but… it’s not like before.” There’s concern in her glance. “What with everything that happened...”

“It’s okay, Nat. You… the two of you need this time together. I… I’ll be fine. I promise.”

She smiles and gives him a jab with her elbow. “Since when do you start giving out relationship advice?” 

He huffs out a laugh. Nat smiles but it is sad as if she knows how much effort it takes for him to crack even a smile these days. Not that she’s any different.

None of them mention Clint, not Bruce, not Steve. 

Steve spends the next day wandering in the woods where the battle took place. He knows he should say good-bye. He leaves the palace early in the morning to go to the forest.

“So, this is it, Buck,” he whispers as he stands near where Bucky had disintegrated. There is a fallen tree where Groot had turned to ash. And right over there is where Vision lay. “This is… this is good bye. I… I don’t really know what I’m going to do, but… I just… I wish… I miss you so much… and I...” he bends down and touches the ground, just as he did when he’d first seen Buck crumble to ash. “I wish it was me,” his voice is so low, he’s not sure if he’s speaking aloud. “I wish it was me, Buck and not you… you… you suffered so much… fought so hard… you deserve better… it should’ve been me. I told you I would be there till the end of the line, and...” 

Steve cannot speak anymore, his throat closes up, and there’s a constriction in his chest. He could feel the tears threatening to fall, and he blinks them back. “Good bye Bucky,” he whispers as he rises.

“Sam,” he says. He doesn't even know where Sam fell, none of them does. Even the Falcon's wings had disintegrated, just like Bucky's metal arm, and a part of Steve wonders why that was, when Bucky's gun was still there. Did Thanos consider the metal arm part of Bucky, and the wings to be part of Sam? “I… I wish you were here, Sam… I know I’ve not been the friend to you that you’ve been to me… and I’m sorry… I’m sorry I dragged you into my mess, and you still stuck by me… even after the Raft, even after knowing what I did, you still… And I… I just took you for granted, and… I’m so sorry, I should have...I’m sorry… I wish I had... I'll...I'll find out if your sister is safe," Steve has no idea how, doesn't even know her married name, and with communication networks still down, he knows his chances are not good, especially considering he's a war criminal back home, but the odds stacked against him had never stopped him before and he won't let it now. He owes Sam at least that much. Steve again feels breathless, as if there's something stuck in his airways, and he swallows. "Goodbye, Sam." He says, he couldn't say anything more, and he wishes that he were the one to turn to ash, he was the one who didn't really belong in this time, in this world, he doesn't know how he would cope all by himself with not even a friend left.

He walks over to another spot. If he looks down at the ground, he can still see Vision lying there, all grey, eyes still open. 

"Wanda," he says, "Vision, I wish... I wish you could've had more time... You... It's not fair that.... and you were still ready to sacrifice everything, your love, your heart, for the world... I just wish... I hope... Wherever you are, I hope you're together, and you're happy... You're heroes, both of you... and you deserve to be remembered and honoured... Not..." He stops because his voice is so thick that he could not go on. Steve knows how hard it must have been for Wanda to do what she did, Vision was all she had since she lost Pietro, and yet... What a cruel joke it was that she suffered all that agony only to have Thanos reverse it like it was nothing....

"Goodbye," he whispers again. It is so inadequate, yet he had never been one for pretty speeches, never good with words. 

It is some instinct, a sixth sense that alerts him to the fact that he's not alone anymore. He whirls around, his hand reaching automatically for a shield that isn't there anymore. It is strange how even after two years without it, he still cannot get used to its absence. But then, he has always been good at clinging to the past, of not letting go...

Shuri is standing behind him, alone, tears glistening in her eyes, and she gives him a faint smile.

"Your highness," he says.

"Shuri, please," she says as she comes towards him, her voice tremulous. "I come here often, you know. Whenever I want to talk to him... Sometimes it feels like he can hear me... like he's answering me..."

"He was a good man," Steve says. "He helped us more than we deserved." He looks at her. "Shuri," he says. "I'm so sorry that I brought this upon your people. If I hadn't brought Vision here..."

"Captain," she says, her voice steady now, and her face serene, though he can see the anguish in her eyes. "My brother helped you because it was the right thing to do. His death doesn't change that fact. We weren't fighting for you or your friends, we were fighting for our planet, our very existence, and our people are proud that we could do our part."

"Doesn't mean I had any right to ask this of you." Steve means it. He has asked people to fight before this too, but no matter how right he was, or how important it was, he feels like every death that happened in those fights was on him. 

"Captain, we were and still are, better equipped than any other nation to take on this threat. You know that as well as I. It's not as if you were asking us to take a risk that you or your friends were unwilling to take. We all... We all lost people." She pauses. "I'm sorry about Mr. Stark too. He was your friend, wasn't he? He was a brilliant man."

Steve stares at him in surprise. "How do you know Tony?"

"I always knew of him," she explains. "He's one of the most brilliant minds of our time, just like your other friend, Dr. Banner. Baba always used to say you Americans don't value intelligence, and so you waste it. Brother-" she stops. "He... He used to say that Mr. Stark's decision to stop making weapons and to turn his attention to energy was a good decision. He said it is okay to make weapons, but a smart person should do more than come up with new and innovative ways of killing his fellow men." 

Steve nods. "Tony is brilliant," he says, refusing to refer to him in the past tense. It didn't matter that all logic and reason indicated that Tony is gone, there is a small voice somewhere in the back of his mind that kept saying Tony could still be alive. If Shuri notices the slip, she is too polite and well bred to correct him. Steve feels a tightness in his chest when he looks at her; she is no longer the ebullient girl they had met the first time, there is a haunted look in her eyes, and her smiles are not so bright, but when she does smile, it still reaches her eyes, even when they are shadowed by pain. She still holds her head high and behaves as a Queen should.

Except when she comes to this corner of the woods to talk to her brother.

They both sit down on the fallen tree. It is slightly damp and creaks, but is still sturdy enough.

"My brother," Shuri says. "He had Mr. Stark brought here two years ago. He was in a bad shape, injuries all over, and frostbitten too. We had to cut his armour off him to treat him."

Steve's mouth is suddenly dry. But now he knows how Tony got home from Siberia, and Steve had never even thought of it till Nat had asked... He wonders if there was any limit to T'Challa's kindness. And now, he was gone, because Steve had failed so spectacularly in protecting Vision.

"You treated him?" Steve forces out.

Shuri nods. "He looked like he was in a bad fight, but he kept making jokes, said we should've seen the other guy, but he was lucky that he was brought here in time, or he would have lost at least a few fingers. No one was happy that he was brought here, since he was, you know, this tech genius, and everyone was afraid he'd steal our tech."

"Did he?" Steve asks. He knows Tony wouldn't have. If anything Tony might have been chagrined that he didn't think up all those things first.

She chuckled, merriment in her eyes. "When he first came to his senses, he was like a kid in a candy store. A very loud and obnoxious kid. Okoye didn't like him."

"But you did," Steve smiles at her.

She nods. "But he wasn't like that for long." She laughed out like suddenly. "It was like he was offended we had all this tech and yet succeeded so well in hiding it from the world. He told me he couldn't invent so much as a pin without at least fifty people knowing about it. Anyway, he left as soon as he was recovered. We met occasionally when I went to the US for our outreach programs. He said he was glad Wakanda had decided to come out-his words, not mine,"

Steve can imagine Tony saying it too, with as much innuendo loaded into it as he could. He chuckles. "He has a strange brand of humour," Steve says. "I used not to get it for the longest time. It used to annoy me, how he made a joke out of everything. Still does, to be honest, but...." He doesn't finish the sentence, but he can see from her expression that she understands, that it no longer matters to him how annoying or exasperating Tony had been, Steve will give almost anything to have him here even if he irritates the hell out of Steve. He can imagine that T'Challa must have had habits and mannerisms that used to annoy his sister too. 

They are both silent for a while, but it is a comfortable silence. It is Shuri who breaks it. "I better be getting back before my mother and Okoye start panicking and sends out search parties," She rises, and it again strikes Steve how young she is, and yet, she has the responsibility for an entire kingdom on her shoulders. 

He rises too, and takes her hands in him. "Thank you, Shuri, for everything you did for us. If you ever need a friend, I'm always there,"

She nods, smiles, returning the pressure of his fingers. "Thank you, Captain. And if you ever need a place to hide out, Wakanda's borders are always open to you."

Steve watches her walk away, and turns away. He knows that he doesn't really need to keep an eye on Shuri, that the Dora Milaje are far more capable of protecting her, and now that M'Baku and the Jabari had decided to support her, her position is as secure as can be. But he feels he owes her and T'Challa, and he owes it to everyone who fell in Wakanda.

"I'll keep an eye on her," he promises T'Challa.

It is past sunset when he returns to the palace. Bruce and Nat will be leaving by around 8. Nat somehow feels safer leaving at night. None of them have any luggage, only the phones and the credit cards Shuri gifted, and they don’t need anything else. Bruce is as easy with the plans as they are and it has surprised Steve initially before he remembers that Bruce is also used to hiding, staying off the radar. 

He hears the sound of voices from the living room, and he frowns. He can hear more than one male voice. No one ever really comes into what they had dubbed as the Avenger Wing of the palace. Is the TV on? It doesn't sound like the TV, but like people talking in low voices. He enters the room, and stops short at the threshold. There are a lot of people in the room, but Steve has eyes for only one. 

"Hello Cap," Tony says. "What's with the homeless, scruffy look? Not that it's not charming, but in a weird hobo-sort of charming, not Captain America-charming."

Shuri slaps his arm. "Be nice," she says.

Steve can only stare as he whispers, "Tony!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, just one more chapter to go now. Thank you all for the support. Don't forget to hit the kudos button, and to comment.

“Tony,” Steve says again. Tony looks good, is Steve’s first thought, but there are dark circles under his eyes, and his posture is rigid. He is standing next to the loveseat on which sits one of the strangest people Steve has ever seen. It is a woman, except she is all blue and appears to be made of metal parts. A part of Steve wonders if Tony made her. Shuri is sitting next to her, and giving her sidelong glances every now and then. Thor, Bruce and Nat are on the couch, and Rocket is sitting on an ottoman. Okoye is standing on the other side of the loveseat, and though her expression is blank, Steve can sense her disapproval. 

Steve looks at Tony, and he can see the brittleness in Tony’s smile, the haunted look in his eyes. Steve knows that look. It’s the same look he sees every time he looks in the mirror, the same look that’s in Okoye’s eyes, in Thor’s, in Rocket’s. 

It is the look of someone who could do nothing but watch as the most important person in their lives died in front of their eyes. 

Steve wonders about that, about who Tony has lost, about who he had watched die. Bruce had told them that Tony went off in that spaceship after Dr. Strange and the time stone, and- oh… the Spiderkid from Queens. Spiderman, rather. Steve had no idea that Tony was close to the kid, though he brought him to Germany, but it has been over two years, and Steve doesn’t know anything about this man he once called friend.

“Tony,” Steve says for a third time. He wants to move, to walk upto Tony, to catch him by the shoulders, to shake him and yell at him-what the hell were you thinking, going off in a spaceship like that, with no backup, you could have died! Steve wants to hug him, to hold him close-Oh God! Tony, you’re alive! You’re here! I thought I’d lost you too! He wants to beg Tony’s forgiveness- God! Tony, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! He wants to cry, to laugh, to kiss Tony and to punch him, to yell at him and to apologize to him.

Steve doesn’t know what he wants, it’s a jumble of emotions, and all he can do is stand there, gaping at Tony like an idiot and speak his name.

He wants to smile, to respond to Tony’s comment, to say something, some inanity—how are you Tony, where were you, what happened to you—but all he can do is speak Tony’s name again. It’s as if his whole vocabulary has shrunk to that one word.

“Normally, I don’t get tired of the sound of my own voice and someone saying my name, but Cap, you’re going a bit overboard there.” Tony’s tone is amused, but there is none in his eyes. Once upon a time, Steve wouldn’t have noticed that, he would have thought Tony was again joking around, no respect for anything…Steve thinks dully that it has taken all this mess for him to finally see past the masks Tony wears, and to see that the man inside the iron man armour is as vulnerable and as human as the rest of them. 

Steve dredges up a smile and moves into the room. Nat makes room on the couch for him, and he sinks down, grateful for its solidity, because he is afraid his legs are going to give way, and he’d rather not crumple into a heap at Tony’s feet right now, because Tony shouldn’t have that on him. Tony… Tony looks so fragile… and Steve knows that he has to be strong, except he doesn’t know if he can be… He’s still in a daze. He notices something on Tony’s chest, a blue light? Steve suddenly feels breathless. Tony had his arc reactor removed, he had a surgery, then what was that thing on his chest? 

Steve once again remembers his shield crashing down on the arc reactor, and he wonders dully if he caused any damage to Tony’s heart. Maybe he did, and Tony needed to have that arc reactor put back in. It didn’t look the same, but- what else could it be?

“Now that we’re all here,” Bruce says, and Steve focusses on his words-anything to drown out the sound of his shield crashing on to the arc reactor on the Iron Man suit. “I think we can dispense with the small talk. What happened to you, Tony? Where have you been?”

Tony shrugs, though he doesn’t look at any of them. Instead his eye is on the blue metal woman. “Titan,” he says. “Thanos’ home planet. Not a great place I must say. The welcoming committee was bad enough, but the service, ugh” he mock shudders, and Nat makes an exasperated noise. 

“Stark,” she says. 

Tony doesn’t seem to notice the warning in her tone, but Bruce places a hand on Nat’s knee. “What happened Tony?” he asks again.

“I’d tell you, but I’m waiting for a few more people, and it’s not a story I want to repeat.” Tony grins at Bruce, but Steve can see that his eyes still have that same look. “Where are my manners? I should be introducing Nebula.” He waves at the blue woman. “Avengers, this is Nebula. Blue, these are the avengers-or what’s left of them anyway. That guy over there,” Tony points at Bruce, “used to turn green, and massive, but your dad did a number on him, so now he’s sulking.”

“Dad?” Nat asks. “This is Thanos’ daughter?”

“He called us that,” Nebula says. Her voice is not mechanical, but human. It surprises Steve. “Gamora and I… we… he stole us, I suppose from our respective home planets, after massacring half the population. He brought us up, called us his daughters, pitted us against each other, turned us into killers, soldiers… he… he turned me into this...” she indicated her metal body. “He killed Gamora. I want him dead.” 

She speaks without emotion, but her voice does falter and waver at times, but the last line is spoken with deadly conviction. Shuri places a hand on her arm, and even Nat and Okoye are giving her sympathetic glances.

“It is not an easy task, Nebula,” Thor says. “I tried…” he runs a finger over the blackened edge of his blade. “It wasn’t enough to stop him.”

“We have to find a way to undo whatever he did,” Rocket says. “We cannot just give up.”

“Am I late?” M’Baku walks into the room followed by Rhodey. “My apologies,” he addresses Shuri. “But the Colonel arrived only now.”

Rhodey gravitates to Tony’s side. He doesn’t look surprised to see him. Steve wonders how long Tony has been back, and how long Rhodey has known.

“How long have you been back, Stark?” Nat asks. Her tone is neutral.

Tony is about to answer, when an orange portal opens in the middle of the room, and a man steps through. He is wearing some sort of robes.

“This better be important, Mr. Stark,” he grumbles as he closes the portal. “I’ve left the sanctum unguarded.”

“Wong.” 

Both Tony and Bruce move towards him, and he shakes hand with both of them, though he looks clearly uncomfortable.

“Have a seat, Wong,” Tony waves vaguely towards one of the armchairs. “You too, Rhodey,”

Once everyone is settled, Tony rubs his hands together. “Well, everyone is here now, so I better get on to the story. No falling asleep now,” he glances over at Bruce and Bruce throws his hands up. 

“Really? You have to bring that up now?”

“You did fall asleep when I was opening up to you,” Tony says. “I was hurt, you know.” 

“I had just spent the entire night working, and I was tired,” Bruce says. “I need sleep, Tony. I can’t run on coffee like you. And you did punish me by having me take that kid, Harley something on a tour of the tower. I mean, that was your responsibility.”

“I had some urgent Stark Industries business,” Tony waves his hands again. “I have a multi-billion dollar company.”

“Which Pepper runs for you,” Bruce says. “Anyway that kid came to meet you.”

“He did meet me, I was the one who introduced him to you. Besides, everyone loves the Hulk, especially kids. I bet was thrilled to have you show him around.”

“Guys, can we table this discussion for another time?” Rhodey asks. And Steve can see that the others look as bemused as he.

“Okay, well, anyway, since I’m not interested in sending you all to sleep, I’ll have Friday play the video of everything that happened. Fri?”

“On it, boss,”

The lights in the room dimmed, and Steve was aware of Tony making his way to the window. The room is gone suddenly, and they are suddenly on a street in New York with a spaceship in front of them, and two aliens standing facing them. Bruce is there, as is Wong and another tall man with a strange necklace and a cape-or is it a cloak? Steve can’t tell. Tony is also there.

“It’s a holographic video,” the real Tony says; he’s looking out of the window. “Just to give you the full experience.” 

They are mostly silent as they watch the battle, and Steve can only marvel at Tony’s ingenuity that has made it possible for them to actually see this; he wonders if Tony has a video of Siberia too. Tony’s new suit and weapons are just incredible, and Steve has spent time in Wakanda, seeing their tech up close. 

They all watch as Spiderman joins the fray, and the aliens taking Strange, Tony’s words to Wong—Wong, you’re invited to my wedding—before he takes off after the spaceship.

When Tony and his group are attacked, Rocket groaned aloud. “Come on, Quill, you don’t attack allies!”

Steve cannot take his eyes off what is happening, and when Strange says, “One,” he feels as if someone had just doused him in ice water. It feels like he’s drowning in the cold again, no hopes left. 1400605, and there is only one chance they had to win, which they obviously didn’t take since Thanos won. 

Rocket mutters a muted curse when Quill starts attacking Thanos, Steve stifles a gasp as Thanos impales Tony, and prepares to kill him, Wong curses aloud as Dr. Strange offers Thanos the Timestone in return for Tony’s life. 

“Why would you do that?” Tony asks.

“We’re in the endgame now,” Strange replies.

“Did we just lose?” Quill asks, disbelief and confusion, and despair in his voice, and the real Tony turns to the room.

“Friday, terminate.”

The feed stops, they are back in their living room in Wakanda, and the lights are back on. 

“Nothing much happened after that,” Tony says. “Except where they all turned to dust, leaving Nebula and I behind.”

“Did Stephen tell you why he bartered the Timestone for your life?” Wong asks 

“Tony, your injury,” Steve says, unable to help it. Thanos impaled Tony. How can he be standing there before them, as if nothing has happened?

“I’m fine, Cap,” he says, before turning to Wong. “He told me there was no other way, just before he turned to ash,” he tells him. “I’m sorry, Wong. I don’t know why he did that.”

“Stephen saw 1400605 possible futures, out of which only one had the possibility of our winning,” Wong says. “If he traded the stone for your life, it must only be because he knew you are the key to our victory.”

“What victory?” Tony asks. “We already lost.”

“Stephen wouldn’t have done it if he thought so,” Wong says. “He must have seen that this would happen too, but that we will overcome this and prevail, and you are the key, Tony Stark.”

“You mean we can undo what happened?” Shuri asks.

“I don’t know,” Tony says. “Theoretically it should be possible, if we have the stones, the gauntlet, and someone powerful enough to wield it without exploding and with enough will power to bend the stones to his will. Thor?”

“I don’t know if I have the strength, friend Tony.” Thor says. “But I’m prepared to try.”

“So, that is our plan?” Okoye asks, “We go after Thanos, and get the stones?”

“How do we do that?” M’Baku asks. “With those stones, he can do anything. How are we going to beat him?”

“Also,” Bruce interjects. “Does anyone know where he is? I mean, he has the space stone. He can be anywhere in the Universe.”

“Stormbreaker is unaffected by the stones,” Thor says. “So, if we find him, this time I’ll make sure I’ll go for the head.”

“Taking the stones off his cold, dead corpse would be a pleasure,” Tony says. “But I thought you said the gauntlet was toast? So, he shouldn’t be able to use them anyway.”

“I think it is usable,” Thor says, “but if we try and get it off him… I don’t know if it’ll survive that.”

“But without the gauntlet, we cannot undo what he did,” Shuri says.

“Eitri made that for Thanos. I’m sure I can persuade him to make another,” Thor replies.

“Nuh-uh, bad idea,” Rocket shakes his head. “You had to hold that mechanism open manually the last time and it nearly killed you.”

“But it didn’t,” Thor says. “I can take it.”

“If it’s only a broken machine, there should be a way to fix it,” Tony shrugs off Rocket’s objection. “That shouldn’t be a problem, but as Bruce said, Thanos can be anywhere in the universe by now. How are we going to find him? And how do we make sure that he still has the stones with him?”

“I can find him,” Nebula replies. “I know him, I know how he thinks, how he acts. I’ll find him. And I can also find out if he has the stones.”

“We’ll go to Nidavellir, friend Tony,” Thor says. “You can repair the mechanism of the forge and Eitri shall fashion a new gauntlet for us. Nebula will find Thanos and the stones, and send word to us, and I’ll go to him, and kill him, take the stones and reverse what he did.” 

“Or,” Tony says. “We can do something to give us a more than even chance.” He pauses. “What if we make it so when Thanos comes, we are ready for him? What if he never gets his hands on the Timestone or the Mindstone? What if he never gets to snap his fingers?”

“And how are we going to do that?” Nat asks. “It’s already happened? How can we make sure it doesn’t happen now?”

“He’s talking about time travel,” Wong says. “Breaking the laws of nature. Normally I won’t consider such a scenario, but…”

“How can we do that without the Timestone?” Rhodey asks. “Last time we saw, Thanos still had it.”

“There’s another way,” Tony says. “The Quantum Dimension, where Scott Lang is trapped right now.”

“Trapped?” Steve asks, the first words he is speaking since he asked Tony about his injury. 

“Friday managed to get some footage from a nearby building, and it appears that Hank Pym found a way to travel into the quantum realm and they sent Lang in, but before they could bring him out, they all turned to ash.”

“And you can’t bring him back?” Steve asks.

“I might have been able to, but by the time I got the footage, and went to the rooftop where they were, Pym’s machine as well as the van with the Quantum tunnel were gone.”

“Somebody took it?” Nat asks.

“Anybody could have taken it, even if they didn’t know what it was, it still is an expensive piece of tech. I’m having Friday monitor the net and the dark web just in case it shows up for sale. I’m also having Ross look for it. It isn’t the kind of thing you want ending up in the wrong hands. The thing is we don’t need Pym’s machine to bring Lang back, or to join him.”

“Why should we want to join him?” M’Baku asks.

“The Quantum Realm is free of the rules governing time and space,” Shuri says. “It means that once inside, we can travel anywhere. We can also travel through time, if we know how.”

“We do have a trained sorcerer in the mystic arts,” Tony says. “He can travel to any realm including the Quantum Realm.”

They all look at Wong who shakes his head. “It is highly risky.” He says.

“Everything we plan is risky, friend Wong,” Thor says. “We all need to take risks. We have to find a way to undo what happened.” 

There is silence in the room.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter is up, and thank you all for all the support, and love. Keep the love flowing, and don't forget to hit the kudos button and to comment.

Steve looks up at the sky, so full of stars. It is only an hour or so to dawn, but the sky is still dark with the bright pinpricks of the stars which stare coldly down. Somewhere among them, Thanos is hiding. It amazes him that when he looks up at the night sky, he is no longer awed or moved, that the first thought that comes to mind is “Aliens!” He thinks of Tony and all that he’d been through, and he can imagine how terrible it must have been for Tony to watch Peter—Spiderman, he thinks, he has no right to call the kid Peter—crumble to ash. 

Tony had convinced Wong to try and astral project to the Quantum realm to find Scott and to send him to the past, to a time when the avengers were together, to warn them of Thanos, to prepare them. Steve reflects that there was a time when words like sorcerer, magic and astral projection would have baffled him, but that was before he’d seen the battle in Titan with Strange attacking Thanos with stuff Steve doesn’t even know what to call, before he’d seen Strange split himself into countless forms. Wong had left through his portal soon after, saying that if he is to leave his body behind, he’ll need to go to Kamar Taj where he’ll be safest. M’Baku had also left, citing his many duties now that half the people were gone. He was now the unofficial leader of all the border tribes. The rest of them had stayed behind and talked a bit more about their options and decided that they would also set the first plan in motion. If Wong does warn Scott, and if he does manage to get a message to the avengers in the past, according to him, the present timeline would cease to exist, so whatever they do now is not going to have much impact. 

“So, it’s actually quite risk free,” Tony had said. Tony, Thor and Rocket will be leaving for Nidavellir in a week, and Nebula will leave in the morning to find Thanos. 

Tony had been on earth for almost a month, he’d told them, once they had finalized the plans. He said they were stranded in Titan, him and Nebula. The ship he’d arrived in was totalled, Nebula’s ship too had sustained damages, and the Guardians’ ship had been partially destroyed in the battle with Thanos, but the communication systems in the ship were functional, and Tony had been sending SOS messages in every frequency that he could find. One such message had found Thor, though Thor had thought initially that it was his mind playing tricks.

“But I had to check,” Thor had said, and he and Rocket had gone to Titan to find both Tony and Nebula; Tony was exhausted, hungry and though whatever he did to his wound had stopped the blood flow, both internal and external, it was not healed. Thor had taken him to earth, to Seoul, to Dr. Cho’s regeneration cradle. Even though she was gone, her assistants knew him, and they had healed him in a trice. He’d contacted Pepper from there and a Stark Industries jet had picked them up to take them back to New York.

Tony had gone to Queens to tell Spiderman’s aunt about him; he had tried to find Scott; he had managed to get word of Clint. He and his family were safe, and Steve couldn’t explain the relief he felt. Nat had sagged against Bruce when Tony had told them, and Bruce had put his arm around her awkwardly and he looked embarrassed. Tony had also tried to contact Wong, but Wong had been away, in Hong Kong. He didn’t know where the other avengers were till Rhodey returned a week ago, and when he contacted Shuri and she invited him over, he had left a message for Wong, to meet in Wakanda. They were planning to come together, but Thor was impatient and wanted to come by the bifrost, and Rhodey wasn’t too confident about it, so he’d taken the Quinjet.

“Didn’t make much difference in the end,” Tony had shrugged. He’d arrived sometime in the afternoon, and had to wait for Shuri to come back since she was out, and then he had updated on what happened in Wakanda, watching the footage, supplemented by commentaries from Shuri, Okoye, Thor and Rocket. He’d also examined Vision’s body, and he thought that they could find a way to bring Vision back without the stone.

“We’re not sure if it’ll work, but theoretically, it should,” Shuri had said, though she didn’t explain how. Anyway, Tony, Bruce, Shuri and Rocket all agreed on the theoretical part of it, and Steve thinks it is good enough. Tony had come to meet the other avengers only a few minutes before Steve had arrived. He would have waited till the morning if Shuri hadn’t told him about their plans to leave. As it is, they all decided they would stay in Wakanda for the time being. Rhodey had grudgingly agreed to try and get pardons for Steve and co, and now that Secretary Ross and a large number of the Heads of State who had pushed for the accords were gone, it might be easier, especially in view of the fact that people were still in fear of another alien invasion. 

Thor had questioned Rocket about his friends, and he had talked about the guardians, about Quill, Drax, Gamora, Mantis and about Groot, about how they had all come together through a series of accidents, and how they had stopped some guy named Ronan and saved the Power Stone from falling into Thanos’ hands, about how Groot had sacrificed himself to save them. The Groot they all met was grown from a piece of the old Groot, and Rocket had told them that he was the result of an experiment, and that till the guardians, he’d not had anyone except Groot. He hadn’t phrased it exactly like that, but Steve could understand what he’d meant. 

Nebula had been against them, Rocket had said, though she hated Thanos even then, but after she and Gamora had saved each other in the Guardians’ skirmish with Ego, Quill’s father, she made up her differences with Gamora. Nebula had remained silent throughout, not looking at anyone, but sat stiffly, staring at the opposite wall. Steve still has difficulty processing what Rocket told them about Ego. An alien who was a planet and who was also something else- an energy? Even Rocket wasn’t certain about what exactly Ego was. Steve thinks that people like the Guardians had kept the Universe safe and none of them had even heard of them. It makes him think of how vast the Universe really is and how little they know of it. How obsolete even their most sophisticated technologies appear when compared to what other civilizations possess. He remembers Thor’s words in the Helicarrier, “It sends a message that earth is ready for a higher form of warfare.” But they aren’t, the Chitauri and then Thanos both proved how laughably unprepared they are. Tony had been right all along. This is the endgame, and they have no plan in place, no preparation, no weapons, no technology sufficient to handle the aliens. 

Steve grips the railing of the balcony hard. He doesn’t like the direction his thoughts are taking. If he had known for certain that something like Thanos was coming, would he have acted differently? Would he have been more accommodating towards the Accords, been more open to the need for it? He somehow doubts it. 

What does that say about him? He had been willing to burn the world down to save Bucky, and now the world has been burned, and he has failed to save Bucky anyway. He also lost Tony. He knows that Tony’s return doesn’t really change anything between them. The memory of Siberia still hangs heavy over both of them, and no matter how much he may try and justify his actions, he knows that Tony’s reaction was natural. 

He remembers how Tony had immediately realized that Quill was about to lose it, how he’d known that words would not be enough, but he’d not attacked Quill, had he? He’d just tried to stop him, by holding him back, because he understood at some level what Quill was going through, and he knew that attacking him would not have solved anything. 

Steve feels the presence of someone else on the balcony, but before he could turn around Tony is there, leaning casually against the railing.

“You do know that thing is Vibranium, don’t you,?” Tony asks. His face is in shadow and Steve can’t read the expression on his face. His tone is quite neutral. “That railing that you’re trying so hard to bend out of shape.”

“Tony,” Steve says, feeling as if words are again deserting him. Not that he has been good with them before, but he did know how to speak. “That thing on your chest,” Steve says finally. “What is it?”

“It’s a containment unit for nanites- well, basically it’s where my suit is stored. No more clunky briefcases, or watches.” Tony taps his chest and the iron man armour forms around him. “It’s detachable, but coded to me, so no one can rip it out, and it’s also unbreakable, just in case someone wants to smash something made of Vibranium into it,” he says before the armour retracts.

Steve feels dizzy suddenly, the words are like a punch to his gut, and all his breath has been knocked out of his body. He knows he deserves them, but that doesn’t make them any easier to bear. Tony… Tony has done this because he has been betrayed one too many times by people he trusted… Stane, who ripped out the arc reactor from his chest, and Steve who smashed his shield into it… and Tony had ensured that no one will do that to him again… 

Steve can only wonder that after all the betrayals he has suffered, Tony finds it so easy to trust… he trusted Strange though he probably met the man for the first time that day, and he trusts Nebula, despite all she did, and Rocket, and Wong, even Scott… Nat had assessed him as not a team player, and Steve himself had accused him of being someone who doesn’t make the sacrifice play, and yet, Tony had formed an alliance with people he just met, made a plan and executed it, and time and again he’d proved that he was willing to sacrifice himself for the world.

Steve knows that Tony is a far better man than him. The silence grows, and Tony is the one to break it. 

“Look, cap,” Tony starts, and Steve is suddenly afraid that Tony is going to apologize, for that comment. 

“Don’t...I… I deserve that,” he manages to say. He still feels a lump in his throat and he swallows hard. 

Tony says in a very neutral tone. “Shuri told me about Barnes. I’m sorry, Cap.”

Steve nods, and again he feels as if he can’t speak.”Thank you,” he says, his voice coming out in a strangled gasp. “I’m sorry about-” Steve hesitates—should he say Peter or Spiderman—and he finally settles for, “I’m sorry about the kid, Tony.”

Tony says nothing for a moment and Steve wonders if he has overstepped, when Tony starts talking. “I just wanted to give him a chance, you know. When I first found him, he was fighting crime, stopping accidents, dressed in a hoodie with a mask and a pair of goggles… I wanted to… I thought I could keep him safe… safer, by giving him a better suit, by enabling him to fight and defend himself better…” Tony sighs. “The first time I met him, I asked him why he did what he did. You know what he told me?”

“What did he say?” Steve asks.

Tony presses something in his watch, and a hologram appears, of Peter sitting on a bed. “When you can do what I can do,” he is saying, “and you don’t, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you,”

Steve can understand why this kid means so much to Tony, because that sentiment is something that will resonate with Tony. He stopped making weapons and became a superhero so he can finally do some good, to use his genius for stopping the bad things.

“He sounds like a great kid,” Steve says. 

“He was,” Tony says. “I tried to protect him you know… told him to be a friendly neighbourhood Spiderman, not to take unnecessary risks, to focus on the small fry, to keep the neighbourhood safe… he never listened… hacked into the suit, went after the Vulture all by himself...”

“That arms dealer who was peddling in alien tech?” Steve interrupts. He remembers the news of his apprehension on TV, though he hadn’t paid much attention to it except- “He tried to steal some tech from the av- I mean the tower, didn’t he?”

Tony nods. “Kid nearly drowned the first time he tangled with the guy, and I told him to stay out of it, but he didn’t listen… there was an incident at the Staten Island Ferry, you know, a boatload of people nearly drowned… the kid knew he’d messed up, but I was too scared for him that I took the suit from him. I thought that would stop him,” Tony sighs again. “Well, he’s more stubborn than you, Cap. He went after the Vulture by himself in his old hoodie. Nearly got himself killed.” He pauses. “I offered him a place with the Avengers, but he declined, wanted to concentrate on school.” Tony grips the railing. “Wish he had done that instead of...”

“Tony,” Steve says. “What happened to him… it would have happened wherever he was.”

“There’s a logical, rational part of me that believes that as well, Cap, but there’s also a part of me that asks if Thanos turned him into dust just because he fought him.” Tony sighs and lowers his head. “He said… he said he wanted to be like me, but I… I just wanted… I wanted him to be better, you know… better than me, to have a better life, better opportunities, to be a better person, a better superhero, if that’s what he wanted to be.”

Steve thinks that the kid was in the right of it. How is it possible to be better than Tony who gave his all to protecting those he loved, protecting the earth? No one can do more.

“As you said, he was stubborn.” Steve says softly. “You tried to send him home, Tony, and he was the one who made the choice to come back. He was the one who wouldn’t leave. Tony, you can’t be responsible for his choices.”

“He was 16, Steve. 16.” Tony sounds so broken that Steve’s heart aches for him. “And I couldn't protect him. Now, Wong’s saying I’m the key.” He snorts.

“We were… all of us...” Steve says haltingly. “We were... drowning in our own grief and guilt, and… and... none of us had any idea what to do, till you came... we just… it was too much effort, you know… so we… we just… You… you may think you’re not- important, Tony, but… thing is, if you hadn’t come… we… would just have… wallowed in self pity... you gave us a – a direction, a plan, a possibility, a hope, and… I think that’s something we all needed.”

They are both silent again, and then Steve says. “I don’t like the idea of you going off to space again, Tony. It’s too risky.”

He knows he has no right to say it, but he’s afraid, so afraid. Tony just came back, and now he was planning to leave again… what if he doesn’t come back again? 

 

“Thor will be with me,” Tony says. “And Rocket. We’ll be fine.” 

“I just...” Steve hesitates, then says, before he overthinks it. “I just don’t want to lose you, Tony. I know,” he hurries on before Tony can interrupt because if he does, then Steve will never be able to say it, and he wants to, if they’re going to face Thanos again, if Tony’s going off to space again, if they’re going to change the past and make it so that none of this happens, then it’s all the more important that he say it now, when he still has a chance.”I know that I lost you in Siberia, that what I did was wrong and I should never have kept the truth from you, and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but I’ve… I’ve watched the news, kept myself informed, I knew you were safe, that you were… and then Bruce called and said you were gone and...” he stops, feeling as if his throat was closed up. “I can’t...” he chokes, “I can’t go through that again Tony… hoping against hope, and not knowing, and everyone saying you were gone, and… I can’t lose you again!”

Tony is silent for so long that Steve is afraid he has said too much, or maybe he hasn’t said enough. Finally Tony says. “I… I do appreciate the sentiment, Cap, but… you see, the thing is, there’s no risk I wouldn’t take to bring Peter back. I promised May I would do everything I can to bring him back, and that is one promise I intend to keep.” Tony pauses. “Tell me you wouldn’t do the same to bring Barnes back.”

Steve wants to say no, that he will not lose Tony to save Bucky, but the words won’t come out, and Tony is speaking again. “Cap, I know things are fucked up between us, and perhaps we’ll be able to fix them, and perhaps we won’t, but we need to put aside the past and our differences, and work together here and now. We have to, if we are to bring everyone back.”

“Is that why you came to find me?” Steve asks. 

“I would… I’m… I’d work with the devil himself to bring Peter back.” Tony replies. “And, if this crazy plan of ours go sideways, then… then we may need you, Cap. Thor and I both feel that Thanos could make his way to earth if he senses us coming, or if we fail to get the stones away from him in time, and if he does, then we’ll need you to hold the fort till Thor can come and despatch him to whatever hell titans go to. So, we do need to bury the hatchet, for now” 

Steve wants to say there is no hatchet on his part to be buried, but he only nods. “I’ll… I’ll hold the fort,” he says. He can do that. “Just… just promise me that you’ll be safe.”

“It’s not a promise I can make,” Tony says. “But I promise I’ll do my best.”

Steve nods. He’ll take that. Anyway Tony is here before him now, and… and Steve considers that a blessing, one that he had never hoped for.

“This doesn’t mean that everything between us is all right,” Tony says. 

“I know,” Steve agrees. “And… I… I do want to try and fix things, Tony. When all this is over, can we… can we talk?”

“Let’s just fix the larger mess here first, Cap.” Tony says. “As for the rest, we’ll see what happens when this is all over.”

It isn’t very encouraging, but Steve doesn’t care for that. Tony hasn’t said he won’t, so maybe he’s prepared to listen at least, and Steve just has to make sure he won’t mess it up when it happens, but all that can wait, because Tony is right. They have a titan to kill, people to get back, and everything else has to wait for now. 

For the first time since the snap, Steve feels like he can smile.


End file.
